How close am I to God today?

How close am I to God today?

What kind of help do I want from my father and what kind of help do I want from God?

How can I strengthen myself and my relationship to God?

I feel very lonely today. I can’t feel God’s presence around me like I used to. I feel abandoned by God. Or more correctly, I feel like I’ve abandoned Him.

It feels like God had a path planned for me, a path He wanted me to choose, but I didn’t. First I abandoned Him and then He abandoned me.

When I shut Him out, the devil grabbed a hold of me and I couldn’t get out of his grip. I’ve done things that I never thought I’d do. Unforgivable things. I want to find home. I want to know if God is upset with me. If He has given up on me.

I want to confess my sins to someone, no matter how bad they are. I wanna stand there and let it all out. I know I will feel humiliated and ashamed but I know there is hope and that’s why I want to confess.

I want to find home, back to my father and experience the love I once did. I want to share that love with others. I want to be my old self again and get out of the devil’s grip. Get out of the hole that I’ve dug myself into.

I want to stop being bitter!
Stop hating!

I want to live a righteous life with my family. I want to be a good role model for my children. Someone to be proud of calling dad. I want to raise my children in a christian enviroment. Not just call myself christian, but to actually practice our faith.

I miss God with all my heart.

I miss His presence!
His love!
I miss our conversations!
I miss finding strength just by thinking of Him!
I miss the trust I had in Him!
I miss to love, to love my father with all my heart!

The three questions at the top of the page were required to be answered by myself before my confession. I sat down one whole hour to write and the result of that is what you find above.

To confess my sins was the greatest relief that I’ve ever experienced. I was so nervous before, I can’t even describe it. I had never confessed before and there were a lot of sins I had done. You have to stand there and really pour your heart out. All sins, all bad thoughts and profanities.

Before I went into confession, I had this image of it, being as a courtroom. A courtroom where I was the fellon and the priest the judge. I knew that he would forgive me but I thought he would lecture me like parents do to their children. It is very rare that you hear your parents say, Okay my child, you are forgiven.

No, parents lecture us for two hours before they tell us that we’re forgiven. I know that they mean well but because of this, I thought confession would be the same.

When I entered into the church father met me with indescribable humility. A kindness which I never thought I would experience during my confession. When he prepared for confession with a prayer I began to cry. I couldn’t understand why I was crying, it just came from nowhere. When father was done with the prayers upon confession I began to confess my sins, though I could not stop the tears from falling.

Just think of how humble father was when he saw me weep. How difficult it was for me, that on one occassion he ceased to look upon me and instead bowed his head with his gaze directed towards the floor, presuming that it would make things easier for me. What a father, I love him and may God bless him. This was, without a doubt, the most difficult thing i have done in my life, but at the same time the most wonderful i have experience in my life. when I was close to the end of my confession I began to feel a sense of peace, an indescribable peace which took over my whole body. When I was done I took a deep breath and relaxed.

Within that moment i looked up at father and thought to myself ”now comes the lecture” though it was not so. Instaed i was met with a friendly smile, and he just noded and said ”you are forgiven”!

”you are forgiven”!

It was the most delightful word I have heard in my whole life, and when I needed to hear it most. He didn’t once bring to memory anything about my past throughout the confession. Only he started by speaking about my life and that which lay ahead. He gave me guidance on how I would hold myself close to God, it was then that I asked whether he could be my spiritual father.

My spiritual father, what other gift could I have asked for. I had the complete wrong picture of confession. Confession is more like a friendly conversation with forgiveness at the end and wise guidance. Though the difference is that this conversation is for you and no one else. It is with confession that you finally get to cast away that heavy stone which you bear with you everywhere.

I thought that God had given up on me, but he has been by my side the whole time. The whole time! It was me who had taken myself away from God, not Him.

If you only knew the freedom and deliverance confession gave. How beautiful it feels afterwards. Everything has its meaning and time, but if I had known before what I now know then I would have taken the courage to confess long ago instead of carrying the burden of my sins around, buried in my heart.

The indescribable kindness which father had shown me I will always be gratefull for. What a beautiful person! Today I feel much better.

The only advice I can offer to all is to go and confess. Believe me, you will not regret it one bit. Regardless of how heavy the sins are which you carry, God, through father, will forgive them all. Why continue on feeling down and depressed when you can recieve and feel joy? Carry not this burden which holds you down, instead place it in God’s loving hands.

I promise you from all of my heart you will be forgiven as long, as you repent from your heart. You will be recieved with kindness and open arms. I even got a loving hug from father in the end. Trust in God, and trust in your father.

Confess and feel joy in your hearts, and may God bless you all!

Yuor brother,

Daniel Shamoun


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